Gum Goes in the Trash, Douches.

We've all been there. We've all felt that what-the-fuck feeling from under our shoe, the one where your foot lands down on the sidewalk but resists coming up for another step. It's as if that particular sidewalk panel were made of a strange, rubbery adhesive and it has attached itself to the sole of your cross trainer forever. The culprit? Gum. A lousy piece of shitty gum. And how did this gooey, elastic-like glob of used up halitosis relief become adhered to the tread of your sneakers? Because some lousy human being couldn't muster up the energy to walk their lazy ass to the trash can to dispose of it.

Let's think about that for a minute. Sidewalks everywhere, places where people feel safe and protected to walk freely without worry, are lined with trash cans specifically so that litter doesn't inundate the recreational space that our feet so often tread. Now, some piece of human trash has decided that they can no longer keep their gum inside their mouth another minute. Not even another 100 yards to the next trash receptacle. Instead, they'd rather spit the fucking thing onto the sidewalk, creating a landmine for passersby who will, no doubt, step unsuspectingly onto the saliva-infused, brain-like ball of rubbery gum. I mean, c'mon! Even the grass would be better placement. This gum-spitting imbecile has about as much courtesy as the douche bag who doesn't flush his stink-pickle down the John in a public restroom. I could go on about that one all day, but I best not digress.

Now you may think I'm a little too worked up over gum on my shoe, but have you ever tried cleaning it off? You don't want to touch it. I mean, the thing is filled with the germs of a stranger's mouth. It could have herpes, or the Ebola virus or some shit. That leaves you digging at the bottom of your shoe with a stick, or a pen, or some other pointy inanimate object. And it's hard work. The damn stuff biologically adapts itself to become one with your sneaker. No fucking joke.  You almost need to hire a plastic surgeon to remove what has now become an abscessed growth on the tread of your sole. If you don't break a sweat  as you struggle to free yourself from the gooey clutches of someone's spearmint, then you're not human.

Oooh. Ground breaking thought. I wonder if peanut butter would work? It works on hair. I'm going to have to step in some gum to find out...

Tattoos: The sentimental side.

You're a guy. Strong, tough, rugged....and a softy at heart. Sort of like a lactating Andre the Giant. So how do you get a tattoo that reveals the complexities of your many layers? Can it be done? It can, I say. It can!

For instance, you could get a  fluffy, white and majestic unicorn tattooed on your ankle. Where's the masculinity you ask? Well, fear not, for your unicorn has burning red eyes, emblazon with rage and deeply suppressed emotions. It's the balance of sensitivity and ferocity that is all men; an emblem of your dedication to showing your softer side, while not neglecting the sheer testosterone that is pumping through your rigid veins. 

Of course, we men like options. We need to know what else is out there. So before you decide on the unicorn, consider this: A cuddly, soft, adorable puppy with big floppy ears and rolls upon rolls of snuggley  puppy fat. And it's rabid; foam oozing from it's mouth as if it were regurgitating a venti latte made with curdled milk. Women will say, "Oh, it's so cute, yet so strong and sexy." Your male friends will abhor you for the attention you receive from dames around the world. And that's when you can suggest other possible tattoos to show their tender side..

Imagine, a bright red heart, like a Valentine, with the letters MOM across the middle; but instead of an arrow through the side it has crossbones! Nothing's more masculine than a mama's boy with a bad ass Hells Angels side to him. Onlookers will admire the respect and love that you have shown for your mother, while simultaneously cower at your brazen display of manliness. Never has the delicate and course inner-workings of men been displayed with such perfect harmony. Your tattoo will not only be the envy of bikers, convicts and lumberjacks, but also of fine art collectors, curators and the uber rich.


So, when you decide to show your sentimental side, what kind of tattoo will you be getting?